I think there may have been something hugely wrong with this conversation:
s: tell me how you feel about me, it turns me on so much.
m: uhm no, I can't.
s: why not? because I'm trouble?
m: yeah.
s: but you like trouble, don't you?
m: you know I do.
s: how much do you like trouble?
m: really a lot.
s: oh?
m: yeah, way more than I should.
s: martika, do you love trouble?
Okay, it looks totally weird all spelled out like that and completely different from hearing the whispers in the dark. And if you don't know the situation (which I may be able to describe more if and when it stops being so raw and hurty and amazing all at the same time and I don't both cry and grin over it in the space of an hour and maybe I can stop thinking about him for like five minutes every now and then), and you don't know why he's such trouble for me and I for him, and you don't know why we try not to talk to each other because of the things that happen, then you probably don't understand at all.
But it's like he wants me to be in love with him. And I don't know why because we both know it won't end well if I do. So I feel kind of like he's setting me up for a lot of pain. He told me the last time we talked that he thought he was falling for me, so maybe he just wants to make sure I'm involved too and he's not alone in it. But how could that even be a question at this point? Are boys really that dense, because I know in this case it's not insecurity on his part?
(oh yeah, I'll fix this place up at some point, prolly just gank the layout from prayifloat cuz I don't even have photoshop installed atm. And I likely won't immediately go into the things that happened in the last four years to bring me back here, just because it's not anything I want to talk about right now. Oh and there's a working guestbook somewhere I think, just hit up prayifloat and get the link there, I'd link it if I wasn't at work and trying to be somewhat discreet)