I stayed home tonight. I didn�t really feel like going anywhere or doing anything, and so I didn�t. I considered buying a bottle of wine for a few minutes, but I wasn�t in the mood to drink, and especially not to drink alone.
I�m having trouble getting back into the swing of things. I feel like I�m a completely different person now than I was a year ago, and it�s sort of a struggle to be that again. But, you know, even considering the guilt I had and such, those few months were great.
I learned more about sex in six months than I had learned in the rest of my life combined. I had amazing sex, and I also had less than impressive sex. I had half a dozen guys who wanted to fuck me, and who would likely do so at the drop of a hat if I called them and requested it. That made me feel attractive, and my self-esteem was soaring a bit.
I want that back. I want to fuck a different guy every weekend, hell, a different guy on Friday and Saturday nights. I want them to call me when they�re horny, to tell me I�m beautiful and sexy, to take me out to dinner and feel up my pussy under the table. I�m young. I�m not bad looking. I have good hygiene and am not horrible company. I should be out there exploiting myself for my own pleasure, not to mention the pleasure of the lucky guys involved.
But I don�t know where to start. I�m bored of the old methods I used to use. I could always just get with the same guys I was with before, but I�d rather not. One has another girlfriend, and he�s the type who would stay faithful to her, and besides, I don�t want to get all mixed up in someone else�s relationship. Of the rest, I haven�t talked to most of them since May; in fact, I�ve only talked to two. One was annoying clingy and also not very good at sex at all. I don�t want to go there because I�m not looking to develop any sort of feelings here.
As for the other, well, I need to stay away from him. He�s a jerk, you see. He�s the biggest asshole I�ve ever fucked (in a non-literal sense, of course). The biggest problem with him is that he�s very very emotionally manipulative. This is the guy who, five minutes after cumming on my breasts, told me that he wasn�t looking for anything serious. This is the same guy who talked to me a week ago and told me that he has a girlfriend and has been with her for the last six months, but they have an agreement where he can fuck whomever he wants. He likes to tell me what to do, and while I like that at times, he goes overboard with it to the point where it just irritates the hell out of me.
In fact, the last time we talked, I told him I was seeing someone and that I was being faithful and so we weren�t going to be going at it anytime soon. And I�m glad I did, because I have this odd weakness for him. I�ll tell myself that I won�t see him anymore and that I�ll just ignore him until he goes away, but I just can�t. He pushes some button that I didn�t know I had, and it�s like I�m a dog with one of those invisible fences. I just can�t get away from him.
But hey, I�m trying. Again.
I do miss him a little bit, though. He was a very good lover, both in the physical sense, and also in the intimacy sense. He was always really good about complimenting what I was doing or showing me a better way of doing things. I really did learn a lot from him, and he gave me a lot of confidence in my sexual techniques.
And also, he has the most beautiful cock you�ve ever seen. Really, it�s gorgeous�long, but not too long, thick, but not too thick; smooth without any misshapen bits, and oh, the head. Deliciously mushroom-shaped and just the right size, not to mention the perfect shade of dark pinkish purple it turns when he�s really turned on. Seriously, if I were ever to buy a dildo that was molded from a real guy, I�d want it to be molded from him.
And so I miss that. Sometimes it seems like that would almost be worth putting up with his bullshit. But I know it�s not.
It just feels really difficult to start over again.